diamonds from ash

it’s been difficult to write lately, to the point that it’s become a problem.

i knew i needed some time off after finishing the novel, but i thought i might at least be able to get away with working on the interludes between it and the next story, at least for a little while. but i stalled out on the third one (of seven) and haven’t been able to finish it, and it’s bugging me. a lot.

my head is full of ideas, just not the ones pertinent to the thing in front of me. and most of them aren’t exactly executable, either; they’re too grand, too big-picture. i need the details, the little bits. i’m trying to remember how i got this stuff before but i’ve been in an awful haze.

i might’ve burned myself out a little, and it worries me. but i do have to deal with other life-stuff too. apart from the obvious world-on-fire that i was mostly ignoring the best i could during the tail end of the novel (and which has now caught back up to me), i’ve got more things that i’m doing and trying to do regularly. i can’t just throw myself back into the proverbial grinder again to make it Happen like before.

life at home is, at least, a little better. a little cleaner, a little brighter. i put some space between my sleep and work areas and it’s done me good. finished a (physical space) project that had been sitting idle for months. several days on my knees with a respirator and gloves (and kneepads) doing some much-needed deep cleaning.

i should be happy with that, i know. it should make me feel better – and it does, in part. it’s immensely gratifying to see the progress i’ve made in the past month. and yet.

writing is still my first love. it would be music, but i no longer have the chops or the connections to do that the way i want to. so writing is the thing that pulls at me like a magnet, the beast i have to satisfy if i’m going to feel satisfied myself. it’s the strongest drive in my life right now. not the only one, but definitely the only one powerful enough to dominate my thoughts so consistently.

i gotta get back to consistency again. part of me thinks i shouldn’t have stopped at all. but truth is, everyone needs to rest sometimes. even if it’s the most important thing, there needs to be enough of me to devote to it. i can’t just burn myself out in the process.