diamonds from ash

for the past 18 days i have labored over my work; all but one of those on a single story. and the story is finally complete, save for some editing, and i can finally take a breath and gather my thoughts and do something else besides capture the words and feelings that have been screaming furiously to get out of me, to be seen, to be perceived and understood, to be acknowledged at the very least.

what have i learned? it’s always the question with me. every success needs to teach something beyond the rush of dopamine or serotonin. i need to learn, to gain something from the experience, so i can repeat it, so i can build on it and climb onto greater successes. and so i can have a handhold to start from when i’m climbing my way out of another spiral.

what indeed.

i’ve learned to listen to my body, first of all. as much as i want to spend the whole day immersed in writing, i have to stop and take breaks – for food, for water, eventually for sleep. the longer those are put off the worse their effects get, and the more of a distraction they become. the lesson? when your body tells you something is an issue, handle it then and there. don’t delay. it feels so much more refreshing to come back to your writing (or art of any sort, but that’s my primary) once your needs – whatever they are – are taken care of.

second of all, and somewhat in the same vein, i’ve learned to be mindful of how i feel at certain times of day, in various circumstances, weather, temperatures, whatever the case is. to see the patterns that reoccur, the moments where i am most often at my best and those when i can expect to be challenged in some way. and then with that awareness i can let the words flow far more effortlessly in the good times, and be patient with myself when i’m not making as much progress in times i already know are more difficult for me, instead of blaming myself for not being good at writing.

in hindsight, it feels like a lot of things i was taught when i was younger about optimizing your day: finding the spare moments, really squeezing everything you can out of the time you’re given. but the difference is, this time i actually give a shit about productivity, because i’m producing something for myself and not some faceless corporate suit who treats me like a number on a balance sheet (or worse).

the desire to work, to improve, is far greater when you do it for yourself instead of for someone else who tries to tell you how important it is for them. someone else’s goals will never move you in the same way that your own passions do, unless they are one and the same; even if they align, there’s still a difference in intensity. a purpose all one’s own is an amazingly powerful thing, an energizing thing.

and that simple truth is something corporate types will never really understand, nor be able to embrace, so long as they keep to the hierarchical bullshit they’re on. none of us is any greater or lesser as a person merely because of our job, but i’ve seen people treated like they were bugs just because they didn’t have a fancy job title. and that dehumanizing mindset is largely why when i left the workforce i had zero desire to ever return to it, regardless of my conditions. ‘bosses’ and ‘subordinates’ – not as a functional thing, but as a purely social construct – is absolutely detestable.

people who have control of their own work, what and how they produce, will always do better work than someone who’s forced to comply because they have a paycheck or other financial incentives dangling over their heads ready to be snatched away. because based on my experience and from continuing to listen to friends who are presently employed, there’s very little carrot these days; it’s almost entirely stick. it should come as no surprise that employees do the absolute minimum to meet requirements; they have no real reason to give any more than that. threats have become far too commonplace.

and that’s the funny thing.

for the longest time i thought there was something wrong with me. because i could never quite measure up to the demands of my job (at least not in the way i thought i should be able to). i was always having problems meeting deadlines, remembering details, getting correspondence managed, appointments handled, all sorts of things like that. granted there is plenty wrong with me; but largely the issue – looking back at it – was because i just didn’t care about the work, at the core of it. i had to take it seriously because it was my job. it was interesting in a technical sense; i just didn’t have a deep passion for it. of course, that alone didn’t cause all the problems mentioned above; there was also plenty of mismanagement and favoritism and incompetence and just a parade of the absolute worst sort of people who never should have had authority.

but i am free of all of that now. my time is my own, my energy is my own; and as it turns out, when i use it for myself, it’s wildly more effective than feeding it into someone else’s enterprise. i still have problems but they’re problems i can figure out and work on, and when they’re beyond me – when it’s weather or health or other things i just have to endure or wait out or deal with – it’s far more tolerable to manage because i’m only responsible for my own projects, not the stress of someone else’s and all of their additional bullshit. because there’s no hell quite like paperwork hell, and i don’t have to fill out forms for my own shenanigans.

the real thing i have learned is that writing feels good. writing day after day feels incredibly good. writing to the point that i actually finish a story – for the first time in, i don’t even know how many years – feels absolutely euphoric.

and i am not tired. the creative process energizes me. it is my battery charger, my recovery method. if i can just take care of my hands and my head, and pay attention to my body and what it’s telling me, i can keep dancing to this rhythm day after day without any problem at all.

the energy comes and goes, of course, but that’s why you have to be mindful. it’s not enough just to learn the dance steps; you have to practice them, rain and shine and storm and snow. and when you’ve practiced in every season, you can dance to the rhythm of creation whenever you like, no matter what the day has in store for you.